1st Paragraph
If you can capture your ambitions in a few words, this is the sort of beginning you want to shoot for. Far too many essays begin with cliched sayings or throwbacks to the author’s childhood.

However the pitch does get a bit queered in the next line. There are a few words about ‘factors that affect …’ and then an extremely long spiel about ‘changes in technology affect’ absolutely everything there is about an organisation. You don’t have to be a business major to understand that things get a bit confusing since these unrelated ideas are presented in the same line. This results in things coming across in a rather unbalanced manner.

2nd paragraph
Notice how strongly this paragraph follows up on her avowed career goals illustrated in the first line of the essay. The line about '..enable.. to channel .. quantitative ... ' will need some strong backing up later, if it isn't to sound pretentious.

3rd Paragraph
This is a discreet way of getting in the details of one's academic career that otherwise deserve to be on a resume. Far too many applicants like to quote their acheivements without explaining how it will affect their careers. If you're not tactful about it, it could sound a bit vain.

4th Paragraph
The award-winning project is rich with unfulfilled promise. Schools are on the lookout for applicants who have contributed to society and a line about how the voluntary sector also needs modern management techniques (or even a contrarian view - corporates needing to learn from NGO's) would add some value.

The explanation for a poor GPA is unwarranted. Such issues could be dealt with in a brief note accompanying the application package. Here, it merely serves to offset the otherwise upbeat tone.

5th Paragraph
Applicants could do well to consult a style-guide when attempting to be grammatically adventurous. For instance, '...fascinating; and ...' doesn't really gel. Also, notice how things get personal here - 'interest ... into a passion' runs the risk of sounding cliched, but works nevertheless.

6th Paragraph
We generally advise applicants to leave most of the hard facts and details for the resume. Here, however, the detailing doesn’t necessarily detract from the essay. It could certainly have been tightened. The diversity of products and industries the author has worked in could have been expressed in fewer words.
And there's a minor gaffe when she refers to redesigning of new systems. Once again, this sort of mistake is by no means fatal, but deserves to be eliminated at the editing stage.

7th Paragraph
These paragraphs justify the details of Paragraph 3. And do so quite well, by the way.

8th Paragraph
In any field, you want to show how you’ve had unique experiences, and more importantly, how you’ve learnt from them. The author handles this beautifully by listing how she’s interacted with different levels within the corporate hierarchy and how this has shaped her perspective on life.

The part about the efficacy of subsidies illustrates that the author is prepared to think on issues. It also plugs in well with current international opinions on subsidies. On the other hand, if you're applying to, say, the Karl Marx University of Cuba, you may want to revise how you express these opinions.

9th Paragraph
The paragraph does well to spin her experiences in a business perspective.

However, essay writers are advised to look out for skills that are generally taken for granted within an industry. Proficiency in basic tools like spreadsheets etc. has been passe for the past few years now. Remember that while such lapses don’t necessarily trash an essay, you don’t want a drop in pace at this stage of the game. This is the sort of sentence that should’ve been dumped at the editing stage.

10th Paragraph
This is an ideal way to express what you’re looking for from the University you’re applying to.

11th Paragraph
While most of the essay has been tightly edited, things get a bit loose around here. Notice the repetition of ‘excellent’ in the last sentence. Also, ‘commensurate’ isn’t used very accurately here.

12th Paragraph
The references to extra-curricular activities could have been slipped in earlier and more naturally. Coming this late in the essay and the accompanying cliches (each of us … to society) blunts the edge that it would have carried if placed earlier in the essay.

13th Paragraph
This paragraph would’ve had a stronger impact if the author had dumped the previous one. Also, we believe it’d be a better strategy to link up your talents and suitability for the university with their need for students who will enhance the diversity and experience of the entire incoming class. It’s like a job interview – they shouldn't get the feeling that theirs is the only game in town as far as you are concerned. So a brief mention about how they need you too wouldn’t hurt at this stage.

This essay surely makes a strong case for the applicant. We’d like to believe that this essay sets a lot of good examples that other applicants could follow.

All the I’s and me’s lend it a personal touch. ‘for me’, ‘I believe’, ‘enable me’, ‘I would like’ : these are terms that all personal statement writers should use profusely - especially when you’re rattling off a bunch of buzzwords. It doesn’t take much for the reader to start believing that the lines have been lifted from a trade magazine, so making everything seem personally relevant is the key. This is merely a palliative, however. You have to back this up with some credible experience. If it seems like you’ve spent your entire life doing nothing much but watch television, saying ‘it’s my experience that employee-empowerment helps an organization leverage core competencies’ won’t convince anyone.

This essay also illustrates how you need to present yourself in an all-round light, especially when you’re applying for management courses. It pays to stay in touch with the prevailing ethos that schools believe in. While many of us may have had socially relevant experiences, it takes a certain savvy to highlight them while applying to schools that care.