1st Paragraph:
While it's accepted wisdom that you have to suck up to the university, doing that in the very first paragraph isn't always seemly. This is something that all applicants should be careful about.
Something else that's essential in these personal essays is to sound natural. In this paragraph, 'underscores' and 'par excellent' don't come across too well. This kind of awkward phrasing is best avoided.


2nd Paragraph:
The stunted delivery is perpetuated in this paragraph.
Also, the idea behind the first three sentences could have been expressed in just one. Certainly could do with tightening.


3rd Paragraph:
'Have been doing communications, hence want to continue doing communications' seems like a facile point to make.
And notice how the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs end on pretty much the same note.


4th & 5th Paragraph:
The essay is considerably strengthened by his being able to convincingly convey his strong grounding in electronics.
The 4th and 5th paragraphs mesh in ideas and content, but the essay loses continuity because the project has been spread over two paragraphs.
A project is generally a golden opportunity to convey personal growth, an issue whose importance cannot be understated. An applicant could do well to focus on how she grew as a result of her experiences. A project is perfect in this sense because it can be used to convey both personal and technical growth.


6th Paragraph:
It would have been so much better if the applicant had put across what it was about 'spread spectrum communication' etc interests him. Remember that it's always prudent to bring out something about your intended major that strikes you personally.


7th Paragraph:
The essay now switches track to biography mode. If this had been placed before the 6th paragraph, the applicant could have possibly quoted something from the magazine that inspired him to take up communications as his major


8th Paragraph:
The parents part comes a bit too late in the essay to carry any relevance.
By now, you should be building up to a conclusion and this particular essay is let down by bringing in family history this late.


9th Paragraph:
Once again, in this paragraph you want to round off all the points you've been trying to make so far. Essentially you want to make them want you.
By using a phrase like 'conducive to supplement my aspirations' in the essay, the applicant goes to show that we're still in the awkward zone.


This essay's brevity is it's saving grace
Thankfully, it also gets apparent that the applicant has a strong case to make
But the essay fails the 'page preview' test. We generally advise applicants to look at their essay by reducing the size of the text to 50% of normal. Even after you've done this you try and decide what each paragraph stands for and then see if the paragraphs link.
As a follow-up to what we've said above, this essay barely has a coherent flow. You'd be able to recognize the interests-biography-project-project-interests-biography-conclusion pattern the essay follows. So while it has a lot of interesting elements, they don't add up in a holistic manner.
So we'd say that this essay would be an excellent early draft. With a little more thought and effort, it could have morphed into an extremely effective piece of writing. The moral is that initial drafts need strong follow-up action on your part.