REVIEW
2nd Paragraph:
3rd
Paragraph:
4th & 5th
Paragraph:
6th
Paragraph:
7th
Paragraph:
8th
Paragraph:
9th
Paragraph:
Summary:
1st Paragraph:
While it's accepted wisdom that you have
to suck up to the university, doing that in the very first paragraph isn't
always seemly. This is something that all applicants should be careful
about.
Something else that's essential in these
personal essays is to sound natural. In this paragraph, 'underscores' and
'par excellent' don't come across too well. This kind of awkward phrasing
is best avoided.
The stunted delivery is perpetuated
in this paragraph.
Also, the idea behind the first
three sentences could have been expressed in just one. Certainly could
do with tightening.
'Have been doing communications, hence
want to continue doing communications' seems like a facile point to make.
And notice how the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs
end on pretty much the same note.
The essay is considerably strengthened
by his being able to convincingly convey his strong grounding in electronics.
The 4th and 5th paragraphs mesh in ideas
and content, but the essay loses continuity because the project has been
spread over two paragraphs.
A project is generally a golden opportunity
to convey personal growth, an issue whose importance cannot be understated.
An applicant could do well to focus on how she grew as a result of her
experiences. A project is perfect in this sense because it can be used
to convey both personal and technical growth.
It would have been so much better if the
applicant had put across what it was about 'spread spectrum communication'
etc interests him. Remember that it's always prudent to bring out something
about your intended major that strikes you personally.
The essay now switches track to biography
mode. If this had been placed before the 6th paragraph, the applicant could
have possibly quoted something from the magazine that inspired him to take
up communications as his major
The parents part comes a bit too late
in the essay to carry any relevance.
By now, you should be building up to a
conclusion and this particular essay is let down by bringing in family
history this late.
Once again, in this paragraph you want
to round off all the points you've been trying to make so far. Essentially
you want to make them want you.
By using a phrase like 'conducive to supplement
my aspirations' in the essay, the applicant goes to show that we're still
in the awkward zone.
This essay's brevity is it's saving grace
Thankfully, it also gets apparent that
the applicant has a strong case to make
But the essay fails the 'page preview'
test. We generally advise applicants to look at their essay by reducing
the size of the text to 50% of normal. Even after you've done this you
try and decide what each paragraph stands for and then see if the paragraphs
link.
As a follow-up to what we've said above,
this essay barely has a coherent flow. You'd be able to recognize the interests-biography-project-project-interests-biography-conclusion
pattern the essay follows. So while it has a lot of interesting elements,
they don't add up in a holistic manner.
So we'd say that this essay would be an
excellent early draft. With a little more thought and effort, it could
have morphed into an extremely effective piece of writing. The moral is
that initial drafts need strong follow-up action on your part.