Paragraph 1
Rreasonably good intro. sets the stage
for why she would consider doing marketing research
Observation about local practices - not
apparent whether she's speaking from ppersonal experience or research.
if she can't back it up later, could prove dangerous.
Paragraph 2
Defines her role in the future of the
industry
Note the use of buzzwords. while overkill
is harmful, is important to show that one knows what one is talking about
She's possibly going overboard with technicalities
here. non-MR person may not find this as appealing
She's also asserting her peronal long-term
goals within this framework
Paragraph 3
More about personal goals
Also notice that she's talking about what
she thinks the college will offer her
Paragraph 4
Some resume details. may be unnecessary
But well tempered with the part about
what she can offer the college
The fact that she has managerial skills
also comes across well
Paragraph 5
Note how she has played up MNC experience
over that of local companies
But is now focussing on her MR skills
Paragraph 6
Has built up a substantial argument to
support her going for MR as a career
Also has exhibited savvy by talking about
need to carry over MR to high tech markets
Paragraph 7
Final conclusion on skill that she already
has and the ones she's looking for
This is a good strategy, since you seem
to know what you're looking for in your higher education
Paragraph 8
Has pointed out unique aspects of the
program that appeal to her. has thus shown that she's taken care to read
their brochure/ get in touch with seniors.
Summary
has pretty much all the elements of a good
application essay. the author would probably admit that they dont' always
mesh too well. flow is definitely a problem. what she's done well is that
she's consistent in style. the essay does come across as hard-hitting while
not be overbearing.
the paragraphs could do with some reworking.
we prefer that each paragraph say something unique on it's own. her career
goals etc get spread out over many paragraphs, losing some coherence along
the way.
she has also put across that she's been
proficient with what she's learnt so far. this candidate was moving from
a purely business environment (an mba), to a more specialised field (MR).
while it's necessary that she shows how strongly she feels about MR, it's
absolutely crucial that her competence in management comes across.