Rreasonably good intro. sets the stage for why she would consider doing marketing research
Observation about local practices - not apparent whether she's speaking from ppersonal experience or research. if she can't back it up later, could prove dangerous.
Defines her role in the future of the industry
Note the use of buzzwords. while overkill is harmful, is important to show that one knows what one is talking about
She's possibly going overboard with technicalities here. non-MR person may not find this as appealing
She's also asserting her peronal long-term goals within this framework
More about personal goals
Also notice that she's talking about what she thinks the college will offer her
Some resume details. may be unnecessary
But well tempered with the part about what she can offer the college
The fact that she has managerial skills also comes across well
Note how she has played up MNC experience over that of local companies
But is now focussing on her MR skills
Has built up a substantial argument to support her going for MR as a career
Also has exhibited savvy by talking about need to carry over MR to high tech markets
Final conclusion on skill that she already has and the ones she's looking for
This is a good strategy, since you seem to know what you're looking for in your higher education
Has pointed out unique aspects of the program that appeal to her. has thus shown that she's taken care to read their brochure/ get in touch with seniors.
has pretty much all the elements of a good
application essay. the author would probably admit that they dont' always
mesh too well. flow is definitely a problem. what she's done well is that
she's consistent in style. the essay does come across as hard-hitting while
not be overbearing.
the paragraphs could do with some reworking. we prefer that each paragraph say something unique on it's own. her career goals etc get spread out over many paragraphs, losing some coherence along the way.
she has also put across that she's been proficient with what she's learnt so far. this candidate was moving from a purely business environment (an mba), to a more specialised field (MR). while it's necessary that she shows how strongly she feels about MR, it's absolutely crucial that her competence in management comes across.